Women Rowing North: Navigating Life's Currents and Flourishing As We Age

Chapter 9 builds on Chapter 8’s idea of self-awareness to demonstrate the importance of intention in making choices: Once older women better understand themselves, they can make intentional choices based on their own needs.

The chapter begins with an anecdote about Marlene, who experienced poverty and learned early in life to intentionally focus on love and joy. This illustrates the role of attitude in handling difficult circumstances. Pipher argues that people can’t choose their circumstances but can choose how to deal with them. She contends that “happiness is a choice and a set of skills” and that people can choose to see the world in positive and grateful ways (105). She argues that attitude impacts identity: “We become who we believe we can be” (106).

Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky provides supporting research showing that half of people’s happiness arises from genetics, while the other half comes from their situation, perspective, and actions (106). To create happiness, she claims, people can see their circumstances positively, have gratitude, and be giving. Pipher acknowledges that people do not have complete control over their lives but can make decisions about how to view them. She offers an illustrative anecdote about her daughter’s friend whose dog ran away: Pipher’s grandson worried that the dog was dead, but Pipher and the friend had a positive attitude, which made the situation calmer until the dog returned.

Other anecdotes in this chapter exemplify the power of attitude: Natalie’s lupus impacted her usual activities, but she did what she could and maintained a positive attitude, and Willow dealt with her husband’s Parkinson’s and surrounding worries about their future by planning for that future. She quit her job and adapted to their new reality, while still feeling gratitude.

Kestrel, who kept people at a distance most of her life, changed her attitude when her mother was diagnosed with cancer. She took care of her mother and found solace by sharing her problems with a woman she was dating, Becca, which helped bring them closer together. In parallel, caring for her mother brought her closer to her mother. This also exemplifies the act of being intentional about one’s time and who to spend it with, something younger people forget, Pipher says, and something everyone can choose. Intention also relates to choices about spending money, or intentionally defining wealth through love and relationships, or choosing not to let cancer take over one’s life, a decision Samantha made when she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

Older women can also be intentional about how they spend their day, as discussed in Chapter 10. Pipher shares a childhood anecdote in which she ordered a dog in a teacup from an ad but never received it. Her mother told her that it was a scam, but Pipher hoped that it was real. She had unrealistic expectations, she notes, something she learned to let go of as an adult. Older women need sensible expectations to see things realistically. She cites psychology research that divides people into minimizers, who have low expectations, and maximizers, who have high expectations.

She explains how older women can build a good day by managing their expectations and making good decisions about their feelings, thinking, behavior, and activities, creating meaning and joy in their lives. Rather than dreading their daily tasks, they can change their thinking by centering on what they can look forward to or be thankful for. They can also do special things for themselves and incorporate downtime. Using examples of women who de-stress through choir, drawing, and gardening, Pipher emphasizes the need for balance and healthy coping methods.

Sylvia’s trip to a pain clinic demonstrates one way to build a good day. Her physical therapist suggested she discuss her pain with her husband, rate it in a journal, and start swimming. These activities helped her, so she began planning her week to include them. This self-care changed her attitude, helped her connect with her husband, and helped her see her life and pain differently.

Others used massage and going for a drive as self-care, or managed their expectations, as Pipher and her husband do. Their friend died from brain cancer long ago, and they manage their expectations by telling each other, “This isn’t brain cancer” (122).

Stress and complicated projects can be managed by slowing down and taking one step, minute, or day at a time, or by remembering to live in the moment. Pipher details an anecdote about her grandson, who started dancing in the middle of building a ship, which reminded her to be present in the moment. She also reminds women to use the end of the day to reflect. The chapter ends with Eloise’s story of building good days after her husband’s death; she adapted by participating in meaningful work and activities.

Building a good day could also include creating a community, a topic addressed in Chapter 11. Pipher argues that older women have the skills, wisdom, knowledge, and time for community work, and that the best use of their efforts is in local communities. For instance, Nora and her husband created a group to build a park in their community. Similarly, after her husband died, Lynne developed the Conscious Elders Network, a group that capitalizes on older people’s urges to do community work.

Everyone can contribute, Pipher argues, but activism can also create burnout, so balance and rest are paramount. She illustrates this through Sandy, who volunteered for several groups but burned out after six months. Older women, therefore, must be conscious of where they can make an impact and save their energy for those causes.

She suggests forming one’s own group, as she did to fight the Keystone XL pipeline and other climate issues in Nebraska. She describes the work of Ella, Corinne, and Sharon, who worked in various groups but also took time for themselves. She considers Indigenous culture a model for community work since the culture has a connection to all living things, respect for its history and traditions, and consideration of future generations. An anecdote about Renée, an Omaha tribe member, demonstrates this work.

Chapter 12 shows older women how they can change their life narratives to focus on the positive and better understand their lives. It illustrates how age helps people hone their storytelling skills because older people have more perspective. It starts with an anecdote about Sylvia, who realized that she couldn’t control her life or responsibility as a guardian for her grandchildren but could control the story she told herself about it.

Pipher explains that stories can include mistakes, trauma, and regrets, but also victories and moments of happiness and strength (138). Stories of sadness can be changed to center on the resilience, growth, or learning opportunities present in the face of these difficulties. Willow did this during her husband’s Parkinson’s diagnosis, when she realized she had a new life and priorities because of it.

Older women can recreate their stories positively using journaling, art, or music, or by understanding them as redemption or reconciliation stories. Even stories that emphasize negative emotions can be reframed as positive by remembering the kindness, virtues, skills, and strength in these experiences.

Friends and loved ones can help women reframe their stories, as Emma’s husband did by using humor to help her see things differently. Kestrel created a new story for herself when her mother got cancer. When she began talking to Becca and found new ways to cope instead of drinking, this led to a long-term relationship.

Pipher also discusses how stories can be changed by attending ceremonies and events. Hearing others’ versions of the past can help women shift their perspectives, which in turn allows women to see themselves differently. Women can also create rituals for new stories, such as when Pipher and her daughter-in-law attended a retreat to reflect on the past and coming years. Stories can also come from sensory memories, including music, an art form that Ellen Langer’s research shows improves health and elicits memories.

As a therapist, Pipher helps clients improve their stories by asking guiding questions to change their thinking and help them remember positive memories. When dealing with trauma and other negative events, negative stories can persist, Pipher contends, and people need to rethink this trauma and find self-forgiveness for trauma-based emotions. Stories create meaning from the past, which still impacts the present, as shown by a personal anecdote: She and her husband attended a festival one summer when she was overwhelmed with family caregiving responsibilities. When she finally had alone time, she was able to create a new story and realized that her old story centered on taking care of others, while her new story centered on the self-care afforded by being alone.

In Chapter 13, Pipher addresses gratitude and begins with a personal anecdote. In high school, she had difficulty reading Doctor Zhivago but finally learned to appreciate and enjoy it. When rereading it later in life, she saw how the main character looked for beauty during his hardships, which impacted her perspective. She learned that “we can always create a moment in which we are flooded by beauty and that the more desperate the times, the more important it is that we seek this kind of moment” (148). Gratitude is present even in difficult moments; one must only look for it.

Aging helps people learn gratitude, something that must be practiced, Pipher contends. Women can also take a break from having gratitude, as with Emma. When she was sick with the flu and an eye infection, she took the day off from gratitude but then felt better and tried to remember the good things in her life.

Having gratitude impacts emotions. Robert Emmons’s research on transplant patients shows that those who kept a daily gratitude list increased their scores on assessments of positive adjustment and well-being, while those who didn’t keep lists decreased their scores. An anecdote about Muriel describes how her mother experienced gratitude for her fantastic life while dying in the hospital, and Muriel learned to be more grateful as a result.

Women actively create gratitude by journaling, lists, appreciating small things, and talking with friends about what they are grateful for. Gratitude includes being grateful because of—instead of despite—problems. Pipher also reminds women that gratitude comes from slowing down and being present. She describes a retreat in which attendees were told to chew each piece of food 30 times, which taught her to slow down and pay attention, therefore finding more enjoyment in daily activities.

She relates an anecdote about Sally, who has experienced poverty and other problems. Sally uses a wheelchair, and her disabilities taught her resilience and new ways of doing things. Another example is Alma, whose sense of humor helped her maintain balance as a caregiver for her daughter, who experienced a brain injury. Both are examples of having gratitude while in the midst of challenges.