The Light We Carry: Overcoming in Uncertain Times

“To me, my fearful mind is noisy but generally ineffectual—more thunder than lightning—and that’s taken the teeth right out of her agenda. Any time I hear the patter of negativity and self-criticism starting to get loud in my brain, when my doubts begin to build, I try to pause for a moment and call it as I see it.”

Obama’s discussion about the fearful mind helps underpin her advice about being “comfortably afraid.” This quotation keeps Obama’s recommendation grounded in realism; she notes that everyone has a “fearful mind,” including her, and the best we can do is learn to consciously manage our thoughts and reactions.

“We are capable of making a home delivery to approval and kindness, even to the weary and imperfect person who appears before us in the mirror. We can acknowledge our own light, our own sense of what is.”

Obama emphasizes people’s agency in building self-esteem and positive self-talk. This quote helps support her argument that a happy, productive life starts with one’s relationship with oneself, and that changing one’s self-talk can positively affect people’s lives.

“Nearly everyone on earth experiences this sort of feeling at some point—that prickling awareness that you’re somehow not suited to your environment, that you’re being viewed as a trespasser. But for those of us who are perceived as different—whether due to our race, ethnicity, body size, gender, queerness, disability, neurodivergence, or in any number of other ways, in any number of combinations—these feelings don’t just come and go; they can be acute and unrelenting.”

Obama explores the painful reality of constantly feeling “different,” acknowledging that this can be extremely detrimental to people’s happiness. This quotation helps Obama distinguish between fleeting and lifelong experiences and elicits empathy for people who experience “differentness” in this way. In addition, it helps support her point that people who are marginalized can struggle to develop a positive sense of themselves, especially if they aren’t supported by friends and mentors along the way.

“I found myself grasping for heroes, anyone who even remotely resembled me, anyone who could light the path forward and show me what was possible […] In life, it’s hard to dream about what’s not visible.”

Obama introduces her theme on representation and visibility, connecting these issues with the feelings of “differentness” that she experienced as a tall, strong girl growing up and later as a Black woman at Princeton. Obama emphasizes young people’s need for role models that they can identify with, implying that a lack of relatable role models only compounds feelings of “differentness” that minorities already experience.

“There’s something unnerving about moving through a place and not seeing people who look like you anywhere. It’s haunting, almost, as if your “kind” has been erased from the planet completely. You may have grown up knowing your grandparents, their food, their culture, their way of speaking, but now, suddenly, there’s no history of them. Your own reality seems vanished.”

Obama describes feeling out of place at Princeton University, where most of the student and faculty population was white. Having grown up in a predominantly Black neighborhood, Obama experienced a kind of culture shock, and felt that the University culture was biased against her and other Black students. She uses this anecdote to illustrate how she experienced “differentness” in her own life and the effect that it had on her burgeoning identity as a young woman.

“No one can make you feel bad if you feel good about yourself. It took me years to absorb my dad’s maxim more fully into my own life. I grew into my confidence slowly, in fits and starts. Only gradually did I learn to carry my differentness with pride.”

Obama’s father helped her become resilient to social pressure and differentness by stressing the need for positive self-esteem. Obama credits her father’s motto with helping her feel proud of her unique identity in different personal and professional situations.

“I am fully convinced that you will get further in life when you’ve got at least a couple solid friends around you, when you’re reliably and demonstratively invested in them, and they in you.”

Obama extols close friendships and emphasizes their role in helping our mental health and overall success. She repeatedly points to the need for reciprocal support based on genuine friendship and credits her friends with helping her through difficult times.

“Reading the statistics I’ve started to wonder whether, as a culture, we’ve fallen out of practice with developing and using certain skills around friendship.”

Obama argues that people are now less accustomed to meeting friends in their communities and that many people worry about being rejected while trying to make new friends. Obama believes that the best way to foster a strong social culture is to allow kids to have unstructured play time during which they can practice making friends and resolving their issues on their own.

“We scroll through news or play Candy Crush while waiting for coffee, unaware of and visibly incurious about those around us. We stuff speakers into our ears and tune out the people in the dog park or the grocery store, signaling outwardly that our minds are in other places. As we move through life engaged with our phones, we are also blocking out dozens of tiny but meaningful pathways for connection.”

Obama considers the impact that technology has had on people’s sociability, arguing that phones can cut down on people’s social availability and the micro-connections we can make when we’re open to interacting with others. She notes that she met a close friend at the hairdresser’s because they were both open to chatting. This quotation underscores Obama’s advice to be open and curious about others to make new friendships.

“Life has shown me that strong friendships are most often the result of strong intentions. Your table needs to be deliberately built, deliberately populated, and deliberately tended to.”

Here, Obama refers to her “Kitchen Table,” or her closest friends. She argues that such strong and long-lasting friendships don’t happen by accident; they require “strong intentions.” This quotation connects to her point that people miss out on opportunities for friendships by not being present or by not showing interest in other people.

“We obsess, overthink, and misplace our energy. Sometimes we follow bad advice, or ignore good advice. We retreat when hurt. We armor up when scared. We might attack when provoked or yield when ashamed […] A lot of us, too, will unconsciously mimic the relationships we were raised around […].”

Obama lists some of the challenges that people experience in romantic relationships. This quotation helps her emphasize that creating long-lasting romantic relationships takes a lot of effort and requires that people patiently build their relationship skills over time.

“If you choose to try to make a life with another person, you will have to live by that choice. You’ll find yourself having to choose again and again to remain rather than run. It helps if you enter into a committed relationship prepared to work, ready to be humbled, and willing to accept and even enjoy living in that in-between space, bouncing between the poles of beautiful and horrible […] you’ll almost certainly come to see that there’s no such thing as a fifty-fifty balance.”

Obama demystifies long-term relationships for younger readers, sharing that most married couples have to recommit themselves to their relationships throughout their lives. She argues that while relationships must be reciprocal, in real life there is rarely a “fifty-fifty balance.” This analysis grounds her advice in realism: She acknowledges that any long-term relationship has highs and lows—and that making everything work requires compromise.

“We’ve had to learn our way through it. We’ve had to practice responding to each other in ways that take into account both of our histories, our different needs and ways of being […] There’s no rigid set of partnership principles we live by. There is only what we can work out between us, two intensely specific individuals, day by day and year by year, through pushing and yielding, drawing from deep wells of patience as we try to understand each other a little more.”

The author develops her theme about communication in relationships by emphasizing that communicating and understanding are crucial to overcoming problems and resolving conflicts. Rather than list “partnership principles,” Obama emphasizes that patience and understanding are the only way to maintain a solid partnership.

“Self-scrutiny, as we’ve talked about, is something women have been programmed to excel at, having been thrust into systems of inequality and fed fully unrealistic images of female “perfection” from the time we were kids ourselves. None of us—truly none—ever live up.”

Obama chastises the aspirational element of our culture that encourages us to compare ourselves to fantasy ideals. Because Obama admits that she, too, struggles with feelings of inadequacy, this quotation makes her more relatable. In addition, this passage speaks more directly to women and challenges them to reflect on their own relationships with “fantasy ideals.”

“My mom made no bones about the fact that especially when it came to day-to-day practical tasks, her plan was to become as unnecessary in our lives as possible, as quickly as possible.”

Obama reveals that one of her mother’s parenting approaches was to teach her children self-sufficiency from an early age. For example, as children, Obama and her brother washed their own dishes and did their own laundry. In addition, they had unstructured and unsupervised play time with friends and walked themselves home from school. Obama claims that because her mother encouraged her independence, she became more capable at taking care of herself and solving problems on her own as a child and adult.

“You can write your family bylaws and declare your religion and philosophy out loud, discussing everything ad nauseam with your partner. But at some point, sooner or later, you will almost surely be brought to your knees, realizing that despite your best and most earnest efforts, you are only marginally—and sometimes very marginally—in control […] As much as they love you, children come with agendas of their own.”

Obama admits that preparation and communication can’t create guarantees in parenting and family life, since children bring their own agency and personality to the family. This observation helps Obama develop her theme about building resilience in the face of uncertainty, since no amount of preparation can bring life completely into our control.

“The amount we hold there, hidden out of sight and guarded by instinctive feelings of guilt or shame, can contribute to a larger sense that we don’t belong or don’t matter—that our truth will never comfortably fit with the reality of the world we’re living in. In keeping our vulnerabilities private, we never get the chance to know who else is out there, who else might understand or even be helped by what we’re holding back.”

Obama reflects on how hiding vulnerabilities can compound feelings of unworthiness or being an imposter. Additionally, she claims that it prevents people from realizing how many other people connect with their experience. By considering how to process and direct personal pain, this quotation builds on Obama’s theme about differentness and fitting in, favoring authenticity and sharing to assimilation.

“All around me I see smart and creative folks who are working their way step-by-step into greater power and visibility, in many instances having figured out how to harness rather than hide whatever sets them apart. When we do this we start to acknowledge all the contradictions and influences that make us unique. We normalize differentness. We reveal more of the larger human mosaic.”

Obama brings her theme on differentness full circle in Part 3 of her book, using anecdotes about successful American talents such as comic Ali Wong and poet Amanda Gorman to support her idea that showcasing differentness can benefit everyone. This quotation celebrates diversity and encourages others to mentally reframe how they may be set apart from others.

“But when you do the work, you own the skills. They can’t be lost or taken away. They are yours to keep and use forever. That’s what I hope you’ll most remember.”

Obama acknowledges that many people face an uphill battle in reaching success and may deal with bias and discrimination. This quotation reaffirms Obama’s commitment to doing “the work,” whether others judge that work fairly or not, and she urges people to take pride in their own skill sets.

“One of the greatest lessons life has taught me is that adaptability and preparedness are paradoxically linked. For me, preparedness is part of the armor I wear. I plan, rehearse, and do my homework ahead of anything that feels even remotely like a test. This helps me to operate with more calm under stressful circumstances—knowing I will most often, regardless of what happens, find some pathway through.”

Obama notes that the reason she can be adaptable is because of her penchant for careful preparation. This quotation reveals more of Obama’s personality and personal approach to her work. In addition, it develops her theme about the importance of working hard: She asserts that her hard work pays off, allowing her to be calm and flexible.

It’s odd but real and also, I believe, incredibly common—to know as a kid that you are smart and capable of all sorts of excellence, but to simultaneously recognize that much of the world maintains an entirely different view of you. It’s a tough starting place. It can breed a certain desperation and demands a level of vigilance.”

Obama reflects on how she was uncomfortably aware of the low expectations society had for children from Black working-class communities such as hers. This quotation reaches out to those who feel the same way and acknowledges their “desperation.” Obama builds on this idea to recommend learning the balancing act of staying ambitious and driven yet still taking care of yourself.

“They helped me learn to think carefully about how I wanted to pick my battles and manage my own resources. They taught me that in order to even begin to change a paradigm, you have to be able to maintain a thick skin and double down on the professional discipline and hard work.”

Obama reflects on what she learned from the female partners at the law firm she worked at in Chicago. Although she chose to pursue a different profession, she learned a lot from their work ethic and approach to being pioneers in male-dominated workplaces. This quotation adds depth to Obama’s theme on having a strong work ethic.

“I was careful with every one of my choices, aware of the dangers of perceived overreach. That we’d made it to the White House at all felt radical to some people, an upending of the established order. We knew that if we wanted to make progress, we’d need to be prudent about how we earned and spent our credibility.”

Obama emphasizes the “differentness” she and her husband experienced when they first moved into the White House as President and First Lady. She describes how they approached their positions cautiously, always aware of how their actions were perceived. This quotation connects to her reference to W. E. B. Du Bois, who described the “double consciousness” that many Black Americans experience, always worrying about how others judge them.