The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

As Chapman notes: “We are creatures of choice. That means that we have the capacity to make poor choices, which all of us have done” (131). Our choices make us who we are, and when “we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures” (131-32). The choice to love must be made every day; failing to make this choice comes almost without exception with the cooling of infatuation and the phenomena of drifting further apart.

If we pay close attention to our partner’s needs, we can create a loving environment that will deeply affect our ability to love: “If our spouse has learned to speak our primary love language, our need for love will continue to be satisfied. If, on the other hand, he or she does not speak our love language, our tank will slowly drain, and we will no longer feel loved” (134). To speak our partner’s love language is to keep them secure in our love.

Many people do not speak their partner’s love language fluently. Chapman asks: “What if the love language of your spouse is something that doesn’t come naturally for you?” (137). In this case, we must learn. As with many of our choices, we choose things we don’t like in order to gain an even greater good.

Security in love changes lives: “If I feel loved by my spouse, I can relax, knowing that my lover will do me no ill. I feel secure in her presence. I may face many uncertainties in my vocation. I may have enemies in other areas of my life, but with my spouse I feel secure” (141). Our experience of being loved explicitly and intentionally increases our sense of purpose in the world; we implicitly feel that “[if] someone loves me, I must have significance” (142). When we experience insecurity in our relationships, it can bring the world crashing down.

In marriage, differences and insecurities can do great damage. When this happens, “[we] come to view each other as a threat to our happiness. We fight for self-worth and significance, and marriage becomes a battlefield rather than a haven” (142). False communication can take the place of genuine communication where we’ve convinced ourselves that we understand and have heard the other, when in fact all we’ve done is hear what we want to hear, and said what we think the other person wants to hear.

“Dr Chapman,” a patient asks the author, “is it possible to love someone whom you hate?” (149). In a situation where love seems impossible, or our partner has transformed into a shell of their former selves (or worse), is it possible to maintain or recreate love? The author speaks with a woman whose marriage has fallen apart and whose husband has become an angry, distant, and seemingly nasty person. The woman wanted to know if there was any possible way to save their relationship, a last-ditch effort to try one more time. Chapman reflects: “Is it possible to love a spouse who has become your enemy? Is it possible to love one who has cursed you, mistreated you, and expressed feelings of contempt and hate for you? And if she could, would there be any payback?” (151).

In the course of their counseling sessions, a plan emerges: the wife will perform an experiment and attempt to speak the husband’s love language for six months, and at the end of the six months there will be a reevaluation of whether any change or progress has been made. In the end, the experiment works for this particular couple, demonstrating that situations that seem hopeless can be rehabilitated in some cases with proper work.

Champan synthesizes and summarizes the main thrust of the book. He notes that reverting to his five love languages can yield impressive results, but nevertheless “[we] each come to marriage with a different personality and history. We bring emotional baggage into our marriage relationship” (166). The languages are not substitutes for genuine love, and the results will be as varied in different relationships. Yet the importance of love remains unquestioned: “no single area of marriage affects the rest of marriage as much as meeting the emotional need for love” (166). With rising rates of divorce and everyone having a story of failed love to point to in their own lives, the author opines that “that the concepts in this book could make a significant impact upon the marriages and families of our country” (167). The work was never written as an academic treatise to be shelved in a library for future researchers; it was written “to those who are married” (167), those who can benefit from the book in real time.