History is All You Left Me

“Sunday, November 27th, 2016”

Griffin calls Jackson. They agree to meet at Central Park. Griffin picks up two hot chocolate drinks, made exactly how Theo liked them, while he waits. He presents the drink to Jackson, introducing it as “a drink Theo invented” (130). He’s thankful to learn that Jackson has never had it.

Jackson recalls visiting Central Park with Theo when they visited for Theo’s birthday back in February. Griffin grapples with the pain of having Theo alive earlier in the year and dead now. The two discuss Theo’s troll impression. Griffin still feels threatened by Jackson. He apologizes to Theo for being jealous.

Griffin apologizes for leaving suddenly the other day. He says he doesn’t hate Jackson; he just hates Jackson’s relationship with Theo. He never thought Theo and Jackson would be serious. Griffin hates that Jackson has a history with Theo and resents that they were working toward a future. Jackson confesses to similar feelings. He often worried about Theo’s relationship with Griffin and even decided to come to New York in February because he didn’t want Theo alone with Griffin.

Griffin hugs Jackson. They wish they could’ve gotten along this well when Theo was alive. They walk on, with Griffin ready to tell more stories about Theo. As they leave the park, Griffin asks if Jackson has to leave tomorrow. Jackson doesn’t want to be a burden on Theo’s family anymore, so Griffin asks Jackson to stay at his place. Jackson mulls it over, curious why Griffin is offering. Griffin admits to Jackson that he’s the only one who understands him right now. He thinks they can help each other through their grief because they get each other. Jackson agrees to stay with Griffin.

“Monday, November 28th, 2016”

Griffin’s dad drives Griffin to school and scolds him for inviting Jackson to stay without first talking to him or Griffin’s mom. At school, Griffin feels like a zombie that’s lost everything, bumbling through the world after death.

When Griffin gets home, he boxes up some of his most personal Theo items and stores them in the hallway closet. Inside the closet, there is already another box of Theo items Griffin had previously put away a few days after Theo died. Jackson arrives and explains how Theo’s parents were concerned about Jackson staying with Griffin, though they did not offer to let him stay longer. Griffin makes Jackson feel at home before turning over to nap for a while. Griffin notices a shift in Jackson’s mood after he mentions Jackson’s upcoming birthday.

Griffin feels it’s probably weird for Theo to see him and Jackson getting along. He says he and Jackson are maturing because of Theo. When Griffin wakes, he asks Jackson why he got upset earlier. It was Jackson’s first birthday without Theo, and they had plans. Griffin suggests Jackson meet up with his old friends while he’s in town. Jackson thanks Griffin for reminding him he has other people around. Griffin still feels odd having Jackson around in such a vulnerable time.

“Wednesday, March 25th, 2015”

Griffin worries that his quirks are symptoms of a larger problem. He can’t wait to stop being 15 because it’s an odd number. He can’t stand not being on people’s left side. He talks himself into thinking he’s just blowing it out of proportion.

Griffin sits with Theo as he opens a package from Santa Monica College full of SMC clothing. There are three items, so Griffin grows anxious. Theo puts on his new hat and jokes about being seduced by the college. Griffin imagines an alternate universe where he keeps buying Theo hats so Theo will stay with him forever.

“Sunday, May 17th, 2015”

Griffin’s fun and memorable birthday is overshadowed by his fears of losing Theo. Wade gives Griffin a Cedric Diggory keychain—his favorite Harry Potter character. Theo organizes a day of fun for the three of them. Griffin lies to Theo, saying he had an incredible day.

Theo takes Griffin aside because he can tell something is wrong. Griffin says he’ll miss Theo and wonders if only seeing each other on holidays will be enough for Theo. He thinks Theo will meet and have chemistry with someone new. He worries Skyping won’t be enough. Theo cheers Griffin up, saying he’ll love Griffin even if they can’t kiss.

Theo presents Griffin with an animation on his phone. He’s been working on it, but it still isn’t finished. In it, a group of gryphons soar through the air. One gryphon in Griffin’s favorite color moves to the left side of the other gryphons as they fly along. Griffin immediately understands the significance. He’s touched that Theo has observed the way he moves in groups. Griffin feels wholly loved by Theo.

“Saturday, June 27th, 2015”

Griffin throws Theo a surprise graduation party. Theo’s family, Griffin’s family, and Wade all attend. Griffin didn’t want Theo to have to wait until the end of college for an official graduation.

Touched, Theo jokes about needing alone time with Griffin and tells everyone to go buy him gifts for a couple hours. Griffin gives Theo a fake graduation hat, and everyone takes pictures. Griffin sends Theo to check his pillow, where Wade has placed a fake diploma.

“Thursday, December 1st, 2016”

It’s the morning of Jackson’s birthday. Griffin wakes up, thinking about how many firsts are happening. When he can only think of three—the first month without Theo, Jackson’s first birthday in New York, and the school year’s first snow day—he grows anxious. He tries to think of a fourth and realizes it’s the first time he’ll play in the snow with Jackson. Soon after, he remembers it’ll be his first time meeting Jackson’s friends, and he struggles to think of a sixth thing to get back to even numbers. He begins to panic. Jackson notices Griffin’s distress. Jackson approaches cautiously and attempts to help Griffin. Griffin decides his sixth thing is that it’s the first time he’s allowing Jackson to help him.

Jackson wants to know about it, but Griffin can’t talk about it because he doesn’t want to think about it. Griffin can’t believe he lives in a universe where Jackson is helping him.

Jackson and Griffin build a snow person in the park—Jackson’s first time building a snow person. Griffin feels guilty that he never did this with Theo. He always assumed they’d have time once they got back together. Griffin and Jackson joke and laugh a little. It’s a welcome break from their grief.

They meet Anika and Veronika at a restaurant. Veronika makes a bad impression on Griffin by joking that he’s “the other woman” (156). Jackson tries to catch up with Anika and Veronika, but Veronika goes on and on about herself without letting anyone else talk. Jackson and Veronika begin to argue about not being there for Skype dates and not being around for one another. Veronika feels Jackson stopped caring about her and Anika when he got with Theo. She recalls how they were into each other the entire time the four of them tried to hang out.

Anika shares Veronika’s feelings about Jackson putting Theo above everything else. Veronika suggests they go back to not caring about each other’s tragedies. Jackson tells her not to tell him about her latest breakup. Veronika launches into pained speech about how her boyfriend ghosted her during her abortion, but Jackson knows nothing about that because he hasn’t been there for her. She storms out. Anika runs after Veronika, but not without wishing Jackson a happy birthday before leaving.

Jackson feels terrible for not being a better friend to them. Griffin thinks about asking Jackson about the day Theo died, but he can’t bring himself to do so. Griffin fears learning the details of Theo’s death will be worse than his imagination.

Jackson feels he should’ve gone after Veronika, but he feels like a “broken” person now without Theo. He keeps pushing everyone away. Griffin feels the same way. He’s been pushing Wade away because he misses Theo. Griffin and Jackson are thankful for one another.

“Wednesday, August 26th, 2015”

Griffin and Theo have sex on top of Theo’s bed, surrounded by packed boxes of Theo’s things. He’s flying out soon, and it’s their last opportunity to be naked together for a long time. It feels final, and Griffin is afraid to say goodbye.

“Friday, August 28th, 2015”

Griffin, Theo, and Wade walk to the post office to ship Theo’s things to California. Theo’s flight leaves tonight. Griffin can’t contain his grief, so he stays silent, afraid of what he might say. As Theo and Wade banter, Theo steps off the curb, walking backward into the street. A car honks and nearly misses Theo, who stumbles to the ground.

Griffin cradles Theo, reassuring him that he’s okay. Wade shoos the angry driver away. Griffin is thoroughly shaken by almost losing Theo. Inside the post office, he wants to tell Theo he loves him, but instead, what comes out is a breakup. Griffin has been considering it for a few days, and he doesn’t want to feel like he’s holding Theo back from a true college experience by forcing him to be in a long-distance relationship for two years. Theo tries to reassure Griffin that he won’t hold him back, but Griffin has made up his mind. Theo worries Griffin has stopped loving him. Griffin says he will never stop loving Theo. He hopes he and Theo will eventually be together again, and he makes Theo promise not to die. Theo promises. Griffin kisses Theo and squeezes his hand. He feels he’s made the right decision for Theo.

Crying, Theo begins kissing Griffin with their four special kisses: the butterfly, the “caveman,” the “Eskimo,” and the zombie. They laugh together through their tears. Griffin hopes they’ll be this close again someday. His own heart is broken, but he wants Theo to be happy.

“Thursday, December 8th, 2016”

Griffin sits on the right of someone in the library at school. The only other open seat was a seat next to Wade, and Griffin isn’t ready to face Wade. Griffin grows anxious. He asks if they can switch seats. The guy refuses because his phone is plugged in next to his current seat. Griffin tries to change his mind, but the guy won’t budge. Anxious and angry, Griffin throws his chair back and yells at the guy for even having his phone in school. The librarian tries to resolve the conflict, but Wade steps in quickly and excuses Griffin’s behavior, saying he’s grieving. Wade escorts Griffin out of the library.

Wade insists on knowing what’s going on with Griffin, who has ignored Wade’s calls and texts. Wade asserts he knew Theo, too, adding that Griffin shouldn’t treat him like Theo’s killer. Upset at the graphic image, Griffin storms off. He runs all the way from school to the train station, deciding he’s not going back to school. He acknowledges this is all because someone sat to his left.

Griffin’s family holds a meeting, which Jackson sits in on. They discuss what happened at school. Griffin’s parents want him to go to therapy. Griffin’s parents ask Jackson to step out, and when he does, they say they don’t think Jackson’s presence is good for Griffin. They think it’s impacting Griffin’s compulsions. Griffin thinks nothing is wrong with him. He doesn’t want to go to therapy. He wants to keep talking to Theo and keep being around Jackson.

Later, Griffin tells Jackson about the conversation. Jackson’s planning to fly home this weekend. Griffin fears being alone in his grief without Jackson. He appreciates Jackson’s presence and stories more than he imagined. They decide Griffin will go to California with Jackson for the one-month anniversary of Theo’s death.

“Friday, December 9th, 2016”

Jackson and Griffin tell Griffin’s parents about their plan. Griffin’s parents don’t trust Griffin to be okay flying after his library incident. They want to get Griffin into therapy as soon as possible. Griffin wishes he would’ve gotten their permission, but he plans to go regardless.

“Saturday, December 10th, 2016”

Griffin and Jackson visit Theo’s grave. They talk about how weird it is that they’ve become friends. Griffin asks Jackson if he ever worried Theo would leave him and return to Griffin. Jackson says it felt impossible competing with Griffin, but he knows Theo would never cheat. He adds that if Theo were to cheat, it would be with Griffin. Griffin acknowledges quietly that Theo never told Jackson about his visit back in June.

Jackson says he admires Griffin for having the strength to remain friends with Theo after their relationship. He wouldn’t be strong enough. Griffin believes he wasn’t strong enough, either. He feels he could need therapy to repair his “broken” self.

“Sunday, December 11th, 2016”

While Jackson and Griffin pack, Wade comes to the door with cupcakes for Griffin. He’s been worried about Griffin since the library incident, and Griffin still won’t return his texts. When Wade sees Jackson, he gets upset, asking what Griffin is doing with “the guy that made [his] life hell” (181) while ignoring Wade. He’s mad that he’s been dealing with grief alone while Griffin spends time with Jackson. He holds back tears and drops the cupcakes before storming out. Griffin won’t pursue him because he needs to prepare for his flight.

“Monday, December 12th, 2016”

Jackson comforts Griffin on the plane with stories of Theo. They sit close, and Jackson helps Griffin buckle his seatbelt. Jackson talks about Theo’s flying habits and how Theo always helped him feel fine, as though if he died, he’d be okay with Theo. Griffin blurts out how Theo then died in front of Jackson, and Jackson goes quiet. They have a quiet remainder of the flight. Jackson comforts Griffin on the descent and celebrates with him when they arrive safely.

In the cab, Griffin calls his parents. His mom immediately guesses he’s in California. She demands he fly back today. Griffin refuses; he needs to see out the one-month anniversary with Jackson. He will fly back Wednesday and promises to cooperate with therapy when he returns.

In California, Griffin meets Jackson’s mother and Jackson’s dog, Chloe. Jackson’s mother is happy he’s home and has already heard from Griffin’s mother. Griffin tells Jackson’s mother how helpful Jackson has been to him. She is proud of Jackson and gives him his birthday cake. Jackson looks genuinely happy. Griffin and Jackson’s mom sing happy birthday, Jackson joins in, and everyone is giggling by the end.

It’s weird for Griffin to be in Jackson’s bedroom. Jackson has a king-size bed. Griffin looks around at Jackson’s things. He spots the same photo of Jackson and Theo from Theo’s room. He finds a scribble of “THEODORE + JACK” on the wall in glow-in-the-dark marker. Theo wrote on Jackson’s wall to prove his loyalty to Jackson. He also told Jackson he loved him that day.

They decide to go for a drive, with Griffin sitting in the backseat because he can’t sit passenger side, as it’s on the right. Griffin imagines a universe where Theo sits in the passenger seat, riding around with him and Jackson.