Fire Shut Up in My Bones

Churches are both physical structures—places of worship, community centers—and spiritual spaces for healing and redemption. For a young Charles M. Blow, terrified of his individuality and everything it implies, the church is the only beacon he can imagine. His young mind, confused by his internal mixed signals, has no grasp of psychology and the reality of sexual fluidity. He only knows he’s not like other boys, a knowledge fraught with peril. He sees it in his mother’s head, hanging with shame; he hears it in the whispers of the old men in the neighborhood. When Chester’s assault fills him with guilt and shame, the church—cultural bedrock that it is—beckons, promising cleansing and purity. When he contemplates suicide, an old gospel song pulls him back from the brink. Blow even enters an evangelical phase, seeking to be reborn in God’s grace and communing spiritually until he finds a measure of peace.

The Church has a dark side, too. As a boy, Blow fixates on one particular Bible passage from Leviticus condemning homosexuality. The passage convinces him he is a damaged sinner. The preacher father of a school friend is actually a cult leader later convicted of conspiracy to commit murder. The extreme fringes of religious belief—exorcism, superstition, and the power of talismans—also suggest that belief taken too far negates its intended purpose. Blow eventually settles into a more spiritual form of religion, free of the institutional trappings. He later finds other coping mechanisms—the allure of women, for example. Nevertheless, it is no exaggeration to say that the church, even with its harsh condemnations, saves his life.

Blow’s childhood home—the House with No Steps—holds history, memories, and regret. One of the bedroom closets is filled with Spinner’s old guitars, remnants of his days as a musician. When a car accident derails his musical aspirations, he finds other work but cannot get rid of the guitars. They are a visual reminder of what he could have become. Perhaps the memories are too raw, or perhaps he imagines he may one day have use for them. Nevertheless, the guitars symbolize every youthful dream that has crashed on the rocks of reality. Some people make peace with their fate, accepting the inevitable. Spinner, however, spends years self-medicating with alcohol and extramarital affairs until he finally realizes the importance of his family, now grown but not too old to provide Blow with an assurance of love.