A Scatter Of Light

When Aria returns to Woodacre, she flips through Joan’s retrospective to find a portrait of her mother. The double-exposure was taken in 1997, the year she met up with her distant relatives to celebrate Lily’s birthday. Aria finds the portrait of her mom to be very “intimate,” and thinks Joan’s portrayal of her captures “the way she looked on the inside” (191). Aria tells Joan about her mother’s engagement, and Joan reassures her that her feelings can remain undecided. Joan reflects on photographing Alexis back in 1997 and tells Aria that because Alexis is an artist too, she understood what Joan was trying to achieve with her portrait.

Later that evening, Aria receives a text from Steph confirming her attendance at Roxy’s party. Steph signs her text with “xx” (193).

Aria buys a new shirt for the party because she feels that her other clothes are “too straight” (194). Despite her initial frustration with finding an outfit that feels good, Aria decides that her “new look” portrays the person she “[wants] to be” (194).

At Roxy’s, Aria finds Steph outside, and Steph compliments Aria on her look. As Aria is introduced to many new people, she realizes that the strangers at the party must assume she’s queer, and this thought thrills her—“as if a mask [she’d] put on had suddenly become [her] real face” (196). While the friends dance, Aria accidentally bumps into a stranger, but the woman pulls Aria in closer. They dance together for a moment, until the woman invites Aria outside for fresh air. The woman introduces herself as Casey, a friend of Roxy’s. After pleasantries, Casey kisses Aria, who feels “like a monster” for treating Casey as “an experiment” and like she “cheated on” Steph (198). Aria apologizes and runs away, hiding in the art studio upstairs. Steph finds her there, and Aria admits that she “only wants [Steph]” and steps in to kiss her (200).

Aria interrupts the chronological events by interjecting a thought from the standpoint of her future self, who has often thought about this first kiss with Steph. She thinks about specific details and sensations, remembering that Steph “fe[lt] so good [she] [forgot] everything else” (201).

Steph receives a phone call, interrupting the moment in the studio, and she learns that Lisa left the party without her. Mel lets Steph borrow her car, and Aria has no choice but to ride back with her. Neither of them acknowledges what happened for the entire drive back to Mel’s house in San Rafael. As Aria leaves, Steph begins to apologize and expresses regret, but Aria doesn’t let her finish speaking.

Back at Joan’s in Woodacre, while eating dim sum leftovers, Aria suddenly remembers playing with Tasha when they were children. They played house, imitating a husband and wife from a TV show. Aria remembers that she leaned in to kiss Tasha but put up her hand in between their mouths. This memory makes Aria lose her appetite.

Aria wakes up late on Sunday to a call from her father. He asks how lunch with Alexis went, and the more he urges Aria to consider Alexis’s offers to strengthen their bond, the more tense Aria becomes. She finally snaps, and without thinking, she asks him, “Aren’t you still in love with her? Isn’t that why you can’t finish your novel?” (207) She starts to apologize for the outburst, but Matthew seriously confides in her that he’ll always love Alexis for being the mother of his child, even though their marriage failed. He admits that this conversation is long overdue, and Aria agrees to work on her relationship with her mother.

Aria meets Joan downstairs, who admits to not feeling well. She momentarily mistakes Aria for Alexis and can’t remember what she was doing with her old photographs last night. While looking at an old photo, she talks about Russ’s work in the present tense. She’s unsteady on her feet but agrees to lie down and rest.

Aria eats lunch on the deck by herself, indulging in the idea that her experience at the party last night happened in an alternate universe. She goes on a hike to take her mind off things, but Steph calls her. Steph apologizes for her actions at the party and hopes to still be friends with Aria. She wants to make amends in person, and Aria agrees to meet her in Fairfax for dinner tomorrow.

The next day, Joan feels better and goes to the Buddhist center with Tony. While waiting for Steph at the restaurant, Aria realizes that she wants their relationship to be “fated” (215). They avoid talking about the party while they eat, but Steph acknowledges that she has created “a mess.” After dinner, they sit in Steph’s dark truck and finally address their relationship. Aria apologizes for any trouble she might have caused for Steph and Lisa and shares her gratitude to Steph for helping her realize her sexuality. Steph admits she likes Aria too and shares that her relationship with Lisa is struggling. Aria reaches over for her, and they kiss.

Aria yearns for Steph intensely, and they meet up again after Steph’s work shift the next day. They make out in Steph’s truck in a shopping center lot. Aria hasn’t decided if she’s going to tell Tasha about Steph but encourages Steph to start her yard work at Joan’s early on Friday morning, before anyone else is awake.